Parenting Back to Basics

Recently I've confronted by how difficult it is to work with children with behavior problems without simultaneously dealing with parenting. Many parents send us their children to "fix." Their child might have shown signs of aggressive, violence, defiance or refusing to contribute. parents will make the phone call to us and ask, "is there something wrong with him/her." Often (but not always) parenting is the first place to start.

I recently reviewed some of the basic principles of parenting that should be checked with any family with a "child with a behavior problem." Any one reading this stuff that wonders about how to implement it or needs help with their kids please contact us for some assistance.

Basic ideas that should be assessed:


Parents model behaviour.
Parents need teach their kids how to relate to others by their speech tone, the words they use, the pitch and their use of language. They need to get very clearly that their children parrot their own behaviour. If they hit, their children will understand that it is OK to hit, if they yell so will their kids, if they swear so will their kids, if they scream and throw tantrums so will they. Parents need to look closely and honestly at their own communication patterns and honestly appraise them - and then change them.


Find the good behaviour to reward.
Parents need to identify even the slightest good behaviour, or even an approximation of good behavior and verbally encourage it. Parent often feel this is a weird strategy and that it feels false or forced. They sometimes need to have someone demonstrate what it means because many have had so little contact with encouragement themselves in their own childhood that they couldn’t even imagine what that might sound like until it is demonstrated. So, for example, if they child (for the first time) puts one toy away, they need to be praised for the one toy before being helped to put away the rest.


More tangible rewards need to be explicitly planned.
Finding the reward is often the creative challenge. Use charts if this is appropriate. They are fairly easy to construct and many are available commercially. I draw up some fairly crappy ones in session, i don't think they need to be sophisticated, just interesting. They need to be changed regularly and need to be easily completed. The behaviours need to be easily achieved, almost “a give away” for the kid, at least to start with. Start with a star in the balloon for putting one toy away, or a day speaking nicely.


Tangible rewards only work ‘tho if the child’s life is not flooded by indiscriminate treats.
Check that the child is not given treats “to keep them quiet,” “for peace,” or because it is just easier to say yes than to say no. Every treat should be connected to behaviour. The children need to be taught the principle that life is better if they make the right choice and so they learn to make the choices themselves.

phew.... more next time.